What If...There was no bear

The bright sun shot through the tree’s as the warmth wrapped around me like a blanket. The silence of the woods eased my nerves to a point of happiness. The past week had been hectic with Levi being born. My easy, carefree life was now swamped with the hassle of taking care of a newborn. Not to mention my wife was more clingy than usual and I just needed the air. Three hours of hiking and hunting bliss. I ran into no obstacles that day or animals to kill but it was peaceful, enough to get me by.

Another long week passed, as nothing got easier. Ann-Marie and I fought every free minute when Levi was asleep or didn’t need our over look. He constantly was needing our attention, my world was over. Every thing that was mine was his. My immature actions sparked fights and often ended with me storming out. Her constant bickering was driving me crazy. Yes one week in and I already felt my world collapsing in. I was supposed to be the happy new dad but I was miserable.

A long month dragged on, more fights and hell. I left on a stormy night, leaving Ann at home with Levi. I had been working my ass off and taking care of Levi when I could but it was never enough for her. Even in my misery I tried to make her happy, anything I could to make up for my indiscretion on new years. That night though our fight was my braking point. I went to the local sleazy bar to have a few drinks with my buddies. The crisp moonshine was never ending and the ladies was in my site. Without a thought I worked my magic and ended up in bed with the most floozy blonde I could find. Not one bit of me felt sorry for doing Ann wrong, at least it was a few moments when my life was not an empty less shell.

Three more months passed, our home was no longer a home as well as our marriage was not a marriage. My days were spent slave driving at work, while at night I would come home to spend time with Levi before bed. As he fell asleep I would slip away to the bar with my friends. Skipping work one day while Ann was shopping I brought home a woman that I didn’t even know the name of. Her horrified face will always be imprinted in my head as she walked in on us. Ann packed her bags and left with Levi and never looked back.

A year has passed since Ann- Marie left me. My days are filled with endless work hours and nights filled with moonshine. My lonely home is no longer filled with the beams of sunshine from Levi except for occasionally. The happiness I though I might feel when Ann left never graced me as the despair of being alone set in. I missed the days of changing Levi’s diaper and having company. To my dismay no bottle of moonshine or no random woman could fill that void.

My fortieth birthday is here as I lay back thinking of my life. Nothing had been right since Ann left, well really nothing had been right since we got married. The only hope and good thing was Levi. His life was much easier than mine and I was proud of him. Painful regret seeps into my skin as I think about how I wasn’t there to help him every time he needed me though. Why couldn’t have I meet someone after Ann to make me happy. To help me realize how important Levi would be to me. I grew up to slow and everything moved to fast.

I can feel the last days of my life creeping up on me. The wrinkles of my skin is a clear sign to my age. Seventy harsh years has passed since I have walked this earth. Every day seemingly becoming more darkening than the last. My own son disowned me as I drowned my life away with alcohol. Ann- Marie moved on and acted as if I never existed. There are days when I contemplate ending it all but know it would be to much of a hassle. I deserved the hell I lived and whatever pits of it was left for me.

What if the bear would have never attacked me, would this have been my life? lonely and filled with despair, no Rose to brighten my days. Some may look at that bear attack as a bad moment but really how are we to know that it wasn’t a blessing. If not for it then I wouldn’t have my other half or the amazing family and friends that I do. What if?

Jealousy

The change from human to vampire brought about changes in the way I thought about many things. I was learning new emotions such as compassion and mostly jealousy. I can’t remember during my human days being jealous of much. The women never turned me down and I had a pretty decent job. My parents always treated me like a prince if they could with their love and I had what other guys only dreamed of.

The first day I felt the jealousy was the day after Alice and Jasper joined the family. I peaked into Carlisle’s study to speak to him and noticed he was already in a deep conversation with Jasper. Carlisle was already speaking to him in the gentle fatherly voice of his and it slightly agitated me. I was not familiar with the emotion so I blamed it on my thirst and some sort of anger.

A couple of months went by and I kept my distance slightly as good as I could. Alice and Jasper were welcomed into the family but I was having a slight problem with it, well not so much Alice as Jasper. It was hard not to smile when Alice was around or feel totally at home. Maybe it was the way Jasper looked or presented himself that made me wary at first.

Here was this male vampire walking into our life, who you could obviously tell had been through a lot and was stronger than others. His gruesome scars showed a past of heartbreak and trouble, not to mention he was always kept to himself mostly. I also didn’t trust the unusual power he has at first. The though of someone being able to shift my emotions without my permission angered me to no end.

Things were getting back to normal around the house, well I should say as normal as could be. I would catch Edward and Jasper having conversations. Often about books or music that really I had no interest in. From an outsiders point of view it would seem as if the two really were blood brothers and it made me feel that aching need to have that as well. Who was this guy coming in and taking that position from me.I

tried to shrug it off and not let it bother me to much. My anger still sometimes being a problem I shied away from anything involving Jasper. That was until the day I came home from hunting and heard him in the kitchen with Rose. I knew that they had to know I was in the house but I still sat down in the living room listening. I could feel the anger and frustration building in me as they talked. It was almost a betraying feeling but yet not.

I knew I was not the most perfect man in the world but I didn’t understand why Rose could not talk to me the way she was Jasper. Feeling the jealousy beyond anything I had ever felt I stood and threw the closest object to me toward the kitchen. As the vase shattered Jasper and Rose walked out, I felt my anger subsiding and knew it had to be Jas. “Stop it, dammit If I wanted help with how I was feeling I would ask you,” I shouted at Jasper.

Storming out of the room I went upstairs to gather my thoughts. I knew it was nothing but jealousy but I was so angry at Jasper for making me feel that way. Everything was perfect and then they showed up. I stood next to the window contemplating on going for another hunt when I felt my emotions changing again. The anger was leaving me slowly as I snarled through my teeth toward the door, “ What do you want?”As Jasper entered the room I changed to an almost protective stance, ready to jump when I felt any danger. He moved to sit on my bed and started telling me the story of his past, the human past he could remember and after his change. It clicked in my head how similar his story was to Rose’s and I realized why they seemed to be so close. My body relaxed as he continued, I felt like a jerk for the way I had been acting.

As he finished and looked at me I apologized, which is something I rarely do if you know me. I vowed to myself to accept him into the family and work on my jealousy towards him .From that day on we have been close. Jasper is my brother in any way which you can count. We may not always see eye to eye but I know he has my back.

The Singer

As vampires we often speak of 'la tua cantante', the one who sings to us. I have to admit I was not strong enough to resist the blood of the one who sang to me the most. It was the first human I ever killed during my first year.

I was well on the fifth month of my change. The family still went with me hunting at least three times a day. My thirst never seemed to die down but it was gradually easing.

I remember the cool summer day like it happened yesterday. Carlisle was working at the local hospital while Rosalie and Esme were shopping. Edward stayed behind to watch me as he had did before. I tried to hold off on needing to hunt but my thirst got to me so we left.

My improvements in newborn actions had the family ecstatic so Edward felt he didn’t have to watch my every move , not to mention he could read my mind before anything happened.

We were deep in the hunt when Edward stepped away to attack a deer. My animalistic instincts were in high gear, aiming in on my prey when I smelled the most delicious scent ever. I could feel the venom pooling in my mouth and I had to have it.

Every thought in my head was on tasting the scent that was burning into me. I felt two hands grabbing me back and heard the screaming, “ No Emmett you cant. Go back.” It was Edward trying to stop me but I couldn’t stop. The anger in me built up, I was deliriously mad that he was trying to keep me from the smell. My newborn strength knocked him into the closest tree, a low guttural growl escaping me.

I took off running and saw the girl crouched over a log tying her shoe. My pace never slowed as I ran forward snapping her neck. The blood lust taking over as I drained her dry. I wish I could say I felt terrible when I did it but I never felt anything. Her blood was more delicious than anything I could have ever imagined and that’s all I was thinking about.

As Edward ran into the clearing when I was finishing I felt the remorse hit me. I looked down at the lifeless body in my hands and collapsed to my knees. I had become what I didn’t want to be. A monster who killed people. This girl would never have a life, her family and friends would never have special moments with her.

The look on Edwards face killed me. It was a mixture of sadness, anger and compassion. For some reason he helped me dispose of the body and stood by my side. He didn’t have to but I will always be grateful to him for not abandoning me that day.

When we returned home I ran to my room and stayed for the next two days. The burn was so intense in my throat but I felt terrible. The life I had taken was haunting me. I had listened to Edward relay the story to Carlisle as he came home from work that afternoon. Heard the hurt in his voice as Edward spoke of my trying to harm him to reach the girl. I was worried to death that Carlisle would ask me to leave the family but he never did.

The forgiveness he gave me was so fatherly. I had jeopardized everything he had worked for but yet his love never faltered such as Esme’s. When she arrived home with Rose and heard she was more worried about how I felt. At the time I felt like I didn’t deserve their kindness. I Was more worried about what Rosalie would say or do though.

I knew I loved her. My newborn ways sometimes would not allow me to express that but I did. I still was iffy about whether I deserved her or not and this would surely send her away. How could this perfect angel want a monster like me. The second day of my confinement came and Rose had enough. I remember she burst into my room with a pale blue skirt and white blouse on. That famous attitude of hers masking the pain she was feeling.

Our conversation was the beginning of what we have now, a relationship that will with stand anything. I knew at the moment when she forgave me and accepted my fault that she was the one for me. I also knew that with the whole family accepting my fault that they were going to stay my family no matter what. There was no blood shared but didn’t need to be, the Cullen’s were more of a family than I could ever ask for.

Biggest Regret

There are many things I have did in my life that I do not regret, mainly because I do not remember most of my human life. As the new year is approaching though I am reminded of one event that I terribly regret. It lingers in my head and I think its because of how bad it makes me feel.

I sat today and told Rose the what happened the last new year of my human life. I saw her face change and I knew a part of her would be different to me now. She still loves me but I cant help but think maybe she is always going to be scared I am going to do it to her.

December 31st 1934

I just wanted to leave the house. Ann-Marie was a few months pregnant and I was going stir crazy being stuck in the house with her. I wanted attention and company from anyone besides her. Our lack of being in love was taking its toll. The marriage of connivance and friendship was wrecking our lives and with the life of a new child we were stuck.

A few of my friends came over and practically drug me out to a local party for the new year. It didn’t take much persuasion as I was practically dying to leave the house. At first I felt awful for leaving Ann-Marie home at by herself. Especially at such as a time as this but as the moonshine took its toll I didn’t give a care in the world.

The night went its way and I drowned myself in my favorite moonshine and cigars. My buddies and I played poker and it was if I never was married or had a child on the way. As I look back now I find myself a monster for that. I should have felt terrible for that but nothing. We joked about the ladies at the party and how they looked.

Through the night I kept glancing at a red head with green eyes, it was as if her lips were yelling at me to attack them. It could have been the moonshine or the encouraging horseplay from my buddies but I went over and hit on her. Placing my best boyish charm to her and offering a night she would never forget.

I awoke the next morning hung over and in the arms of some girl who I didn’t even know the name of. The walk home was terrible. I couldn’t believe I did that to Ann-Marie. Our marriage may have been based on friendship alone but she never deserved that. No our future son never deserved that. I never told her about that night but I tired to make it up in ways she would never know.

I was not perfect at all. I made many mistakes when I was human, this topping the list but now I feel different. I still make minor mistakes but Rose makes me strive to be better. Her love makes me want to adopt bunnies and shit. I don’t know if it even matters after doing that or if people will think I am bad for the things I did before but as long as Rose has faith in me then I am good.

The Last Christmas

December 1932: my last Christmas as a human and one that was bittersweet in more than one that was bittersweet in more than one way. As a child I always loved the holiday season; carolling, snowball fights with Nate and Alex, shopping with Mother and returning to log-lit fires and the sense of home. But this year I wasn’t just shopping for presents for my Brothers but trying to find that all important dress, as Royce had asked me to his parents annual Christmas Eve Ball and dinner.

Mother was more excited than I was for the occasion, putting my dress as the major shopping priority over gifts saying how I needed to look my best for Royce. It was actually when we were on a day trip to Manhattan that we found the dress, deep blue, like my eyes with silver sequin detail throughout. I had to admit it was stunning and I looked like a movie star, but there was no way my parents could afford it. But Mother was insistent, asking the sales girl to ring it up with matching gloves and a faux fur stole too. I stood in the store dumbfounded, I knew it was beyond anything they could afford, Mother assuring me it was fine and repeatedly saying that Royce would love it. As we went back into the cold Manhattan air I stood and stopped for a moment, my expression questioning my Mother, before she turned around,
“Rosalie Lillian, can you just be thankful for once in your life? No actually. Don’t thank me, thank Royce, you’ll see.” Before I could retort, she stormed off into the next store, silently indicating no more questions.

So the day of the Ball arrived, Christmas Eve, and I sat at my vanity doing my make-up, dabbing powder on my flawless skin. There was a knock on my door and I looked into the mirror to see Alex standing in my doorway. I turned smiling, nodding for him to come in and he ran and sat on my knee, at only ten Alex was still young enough for cuddles.
“Rosey”
“Hmmmm?”
“You look like a Princess” he murmured before kissing my cheek and jumping off my knee and ran back to listen to the Christmas radio broadcast with Nate.

At six o’clock there was a knock on our front door and I knew it was him, checking the faux flower in my hair one last time; I grabbed my purse and headed towards the stairs. I could hear Father and Royce talking about the Bank and then silence- which Royce broke,
“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” , I remember blushing as he took my hand and kissed it, before leading me out towards his car, ready to be driven to the house. As I sat in the back seat with Royce, I can recall my hands twisting around from nerves, before he turned my cheek and kissed it.
“My Darling, why are you so nervous?” I frowned as he laughed, “They will all be so stunned by your beauty you won’t even have to engage in conversation with them.” And he was right, dinner was spent at the head table next to his parents, the only conversation about how good Royce and I looked together. After dinner we were led into his parent’s ballroom, which housed the most spectacular Christmas tree I had seen in my eighteen years of being. Delicate glass ornaments hung from every available branch and there was a huge stack of identical wrapped boxes below it. Royce boasted how at midnight each guest would open one- the contents being grand party favours from his parents. Being in that room you wouldn’t have believed there was a depression crippling the world outside, and for once I believed in the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’.

I spent the night in Royce’s arms enjoying each and every dance and glass of champagne on offer- yes even under prohibition they somehow managed to have bottles of it in the house. Then at quarter to midnight we gathered around the Christmas tree singing carols, whilst housekeepers gave out the presents ready for the guests to open. As I went out to reach for one Royce held his hand up,
“I have something special for you my Dear”. The clock struck twelve, indicating Christmas Day and all the guests started to open their favours whilst Royce, his parents and I watched on. When they were finished his father announced that Royce had something to say, I stepped back to let him speak but he pulled me forward with him, introducing me to the elite of Rochester. Then he did something I never would have expected, he got down on one knee and pulled out a small box and proposed in front of everyone,
“Rosalie, over the past few months you’ve made me the happiest man on this planet. Your sheer beauty astounds me every day, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” At the time it was all I ever wanted coming true, like my own Christmas fairytale, but who was to know of the reality that would occur a few months later...

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To Give Is Better Than To Recieve

“Giving is better than receiving because giving starts the receiving process.” Jim Rohn

One of the most vibrant memories from my human life is from when I was a little boy. I was eight at the time and all I wanted was a red wagon for Christmas. My father was a carpenter and my family was definitely not classified as the wealthy type. I wrote letters on letter to Santa asking for the red wagon.

Two weeks before Christmas I snuck downstairs in the middle of the night to hear my parents talking. Their raised voices alarmed me to the fact that they were arguing over something. I sat on a chair in the living room of our cabin as I listened to their whole conversation. My father was barely making enough money to keep us up more less to be able to buy any sort of presents this Christmas. I felt the pain in his voice when he told my mother that they would not be able to afford any gifts for me. She sobbed and said she would figure something out, that her little boy deserved at least one present under the tree.

I went back to my room that night before they realized I had been listening. As I crawled into bed the selfishness in me came out and I cried because would not be getting any presents. When I woke the next morning to my tear dried face I felt horrible because it hit me that neither of my parents would receive anything that Christmas as well. The following two weeks I worked creating them two simple gifts. At school I used the paint we had available and at home I hid the gifts in the woods so they would not find them. The day before Christmas I toted some paper out to the woods. It was not at all Christmas paper but regular paper that I had drew little candy canes on. Now that I think about it the candy canes looked more like messed up blobs of red fingers. I wrapped the two gifts and snuck them in my giant puffy coat to sneak them inside under my bed.

That night my mother helped me make chocolate chip cookies. I heard her whisper to my father that even though they could not give me anything she wanted to make Christmas seem a little normal. A hint of sadness crossed her face as she said those words and part of me got excited to give them there gifts. To maybe make her smile again. The night drew on and the happiness seemed to grow. I remember the smell of cookies overtook the little cabin and dad walked around singing Christmas Carols until it was my bedtime.

When they to tuck me in I was so excited that I couldn’t hold my surprise for them any longer. “Mom, Dad” I yelled. “I have presents for you guys and don’t want to wait till in the morning to give them to you. You’re the best parents a kid could ask for.” I reached for the paper wrapped gifts under the bed and handed them over and watched as they laughed at the paper. Slowly they unwrapped the two wood chipped, painted ornaments carved into the words mom and dad. A smile started to spread on my fathers face as my mom began to cry and I joked that she was not allowed to do that. They both thanked me and tucked me in again. Before my father left he made sure to tell me he loved me and even as a little kid knowing that I made them happy was the best gift ever.

When I awoke the next morning, I looked out the cabin window in my room and noticed the snow covered ground. The room was cold so I drug my cover off my bed and wrapped around me, knowing mom was probably going to get on to me for it. As I started to walk into the living room I already knew that there was not going to be any gifts for me but I was ok with that. To my surprise though when I entered the room a shiny red wagon sat under the tree. I dropped the blanket and ran to the wagon pulling it out. I could not believe my eyes and then it hit me. I noticed the wagon was made of wood and a familiar shade of red paint. It hit me then that my father had made this wagon and my mother had painted it. As I looked up into their eyes that was the answer I needed. I ran to give them a hug and told them I had the best parents ever. The rest of that day I played with the wagon, even at times with my dad. Sometimes the simple things are what makes you the happiest.