The Last Christmas

December 1932: my last Christmas as a human and one that was bittersweet in more than one that was bittersweet in more than one way. As a child I always loved the holiday season; carolling, snowball fights with Nate and Alex, shopping with Mother and returning to log-lit fires and the sense of home. But this year I wasn’t just shopping for presents for my Brothers but trying to find that all important dress, as Royce had asked me to his parents annual Christmas Eve Ball and dinner.

Mother was more excited than I was for the occasion, putting my dress as the major shopping priority over gifts saying how I needed to look my best for Royce. It was actually when we were on a day trip to Manhattan that we found the dress, deep blue, like my eyes with silver sequin detail throughout. I had to admit it was stunning and I looked like a movie star, but there was no way my parents could afford it. But Mother was insistent, asking the sales girl to ring it up with matching gloves and a faux fur stole too. I stood in the store dumbfounded, I knew it was beyond anything they could afford, Mother assuring me it was fine and repeatedly saying that Royce would love it. As we went back into the cold Manhattan air I stood and stopped for a moment, my expression questioning my Mother, before she turned around,
“Rosalie Lillian, can you just be thankful for once in your life? No actually. Don’t thank me, thank Royce, you’ll see.” Before I could retort, she stormed off into the next store, silently indicating no more questions.

So the day of the Ball arrived, Christmas Eve, and I sat at my vanity doing my make-up, dabbing powder on my flawless skin. There was a knock on my door and I looked into the mirror to see Alex standing in my doorway. I turned smiling, nodding for him to come in and he ran and sat on my knee, at only ten Alex was still young enough for cuddles.
“Rosey”
“Hmmmm?”
“You look like a Princess” he murmured before kissing my cheek and jumping off my knee and ran back to listen to the Christmas radio broadcast with Nate.

At six o’clock there was a knock on our front door and I knew it was him, checking the faux flower in my hair one last time; I grabbed my purse and headed towards the stairs. I could hear Father and Royce talking about the Bank and then silence- which Royce broke,
“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” , I remember blushing as he took my hand and kissed it, before leading me out towards his car, ready to be driven to the house. As I sat in the back seat with Royce, I can recall my hands twisting around from nerves, before he turned my cheek and kissed it.
“My Darling, why are you so nervous?” I frowned as he laughed, “They will all be so stunned by your beauty you won’t even have to engage in conversation with them.” And he was right, dinner was spent at the head table next to his parents, the only conversation about how good Royce and I looked together. After dinner we were led into his parent’s ballroom, which housed the most spectacular Christmas tree I had seen in my eighteen years of being. Delicate glass ornaments hung from every available branch and there was a huge stack of identical wrapped boxes below it. Royce boasted how at midnight each guest would open one- the contents being grand party favours from his parents. Being in that room you wouldn’t have believed there was a depression crippling the world outside, and for once I believed in the phrase ‘ignorance is bliss’.

I spent the night in Royce’s arms enjoying each and every dance and glass of champagne on offer- yes even under prohibition they somehow managed to have bottles of it in the house. Then at quarter to midnight we gathered around the Christmas tree singing carols, whilst housekeepers gave out the presents ready for the guests to open. As I went out to reach for one Royce held his hand up,
“I have something special for you my Dear”. The clock struck twelve, indicating Christmas Day and all the guests started to open their favours whilst Royce, his parents and I watched on. When they were finished his father announced that Royce had something to say, I stepped back to let him speak but he pulled me forward with him, introducing me to the elite of Rochester. Then he did something I never would have expected, he got down on one knee and pulled out a small box and proposed in front of everyone,
“Rosalie, over the past few months you’ve made me the happiest man on this planet. Your sheer beauty astounds me every day, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” At the time it was all I ever wanted coming true, like my own Christmas fairytale, but who was to know of the reality that would occur a few months later...

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To Give Is Better Than To Recieve

“Giving is better than receiving because giving starts the receiving process.” Jim Rohn

One of the most vibrant memories from my human life is from when I was a little boy. I was eight at the time and all I wanted was a red wagon for Christmas. My father was a carpenter and my family was definitely not classified as the wealthy type. I wrote letters on letter to Santa asking for the red wagon.

Two weeks before Christmas I snuck downstairs in the middle of the night to hear my parents talking. Their raised voices alarmed me to the fact that they were arguing over something. I sat on a chair in the living room of our cabin as I listened to their whole conversation. My father was barely making enough money to keep us up more less to be able to buy any sort of presents this Christmas. I felt the pain in his voice when he told my mother that they would not be able to afford any gifts for me. She sobbed and said she would figure something out, that her little boy deserved at least one present under the tree.

I went back to my room that night before they realized I had been listening. As I crawled into bed the selfishness in me came out and I cried because would not be getting any presents. When I woke the next morning to my tear dried face I felt horrible because it hit me that neither of my parents would receive anything that Christmas as well. The following two weeks I worked creating them two simple gifts. At school I used the paint we had available and at home I hid the gifts in the woods so they would not find them. The day before Christmas I toted some paper out to the woods. It was not at all Christmas paper but regular paper that I had drew little candy canes on. Now that I think about it the candy canes looked more like messed up blobs of red fingers. I wrapped the two gifts and snuck them in my giant puffy coat to sneak them inside under my bed.

That night my mother helped me make chocolate chip cookies. I heard her whisper to my father that even though they could not give me anything she wanted to make Christmas seem a little normal. A hint of sadness crossed her face as she said those words and part of me got excited to give them there gifts. To maybe make her smile again. The night drew on and the happiness seemed to grow. I remember the smell of cookies overtook the little cabin and dad walked around singing Christmas Carols until it was my bedtime.

When they to tuck me in I was so excited that I couldn’t hold my surprise for them any longer. “Mom, Dad” I yelled. “I have presents for you guys and don’t want to wait till in the morning to give them to you. You’re the best parents a kid could ask for.” I reached for the paper wrapped gifts under the bed and handed them over and watched as they laughed at the paper. Slowly they unwrapped the two wood chipped, painted ornaments carved into the words mom and dad. A smile started to spread on my fathers face as my mom began to cry and I joked that she was not allowed to do that. They both thanked me and tucked me in again. Before my father left he made sure to tell me he loved me and even as a little kid knowing that I made them happy was the best gift ever.

When I awoke the next morning, I looked out the cabin window in my room and noticed the snow covered ground. The room was cold so I drug my cover off my bed and wrapped around me, knowing mom was probably going to get on to me for it. As I started to walk into the living room I already knew that there was not going to be any gifts for me but I was ok with that. To my surprise though when I entered the room a shiny red wagon sat under the tree. I dropped the blanket and ran to the wagon pulling it out. I could not believe my eyes and then it hit me. I noticed the wagon was made of wood and a familiar shade of red paint. It hit me then that my father had made this wagon and my mother had painted it. As I looked up into their eyes that was the answer I needed. I ran to give them a hug and told them I had the best parents ever. The rest of that day I played with the wagon, even at times with my dad. Sometimes the simple things are what makes you the happiest.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

Under the foray that is my wedding planning brings back fond memories for me of my first wedding. Back then it was much simpler than latter weddings, perhaps due to the small size of our family at that point. It was the fall of 1936 and we had settled in the town of Hoquiam, Washington. The country was still feeling the aftermath of the depression and a solemn feeling hung in the air.

Emmett had been in our family a little over 18 months at that point in time and he had an effect on all of us, myself being the most obvious. He had pulled me somewhat from the dark depression that hungover me regarding my own change- his energy being oddly what I needed and me, being what he needed, someone to tell him when enough was enough. The speed of our courtship worried the rest of the family; he had been with us just over a year when he proposed on what would have been my 21st birthday. The ring was simple, compared to my first one but the thought and care from whom this one came from meant so much more to me than diamonds and jewels. As we were both still regarded as newborns, Emmett especially, we were told any wedding service would have to wait till he was ready to be around a priest or minister for a prolonged period. But not wanting to wait any longer than we had to, we came up with an idea a much more personal one, to ask Carlisle to marry us. That way the service would be exclusively family only, once we had his blessing and approval we began to prepare for a service in our home.

It was on a rare trip into town with Esme that I spotted the dress I wanted to become Mrs McCarty in; it was a simple gown, not lavished with pearls and finery, instead it consisted of white silk with a lace overlay and a simple pink sash around the waist. Going against the fashion of the time I decided to opt out of wearing a veil, instead choosing to wear a pair of vintage hair combs that had been in the window of the local pawn store. I had got my something old and something new sorted now for the wedding, and was just missing my something borrowed and something blue. These came courtesy of Esme, a pair of sapphire earrings to compliment my dress.

Soon the summer months of our engagement had passed into the rich warm colours of fall and the day of the wedding arrived. As I sat in front of the mirror, adjusting my simple up-do for the fourth time the realisation hit me. I was actually going to be married; it was no longer a fantasy in my mind. Foolish doubts began to fill my mind, nerves finally getting to me, what if I disappointed Emmett, what if my old insecurities returned? But before I could even scold my own stupidity there was a knock at the door to say the others were ready. Checking my appearance over for the last time I left the room, ready to become Mrs McCarty.

The service was simple, held in what was our living room at the time, Esme and Edward as witnesses and Carlisle marrying Emmett and I. As I descended the wooden staircase I was greeted by the sight of my Love in his best suit grinning up at me. I have could have blushed I would have been scarlet at this point, I joined him in front of Carlisle, taking his hand in mine. After exchanging our vows we exchanged rings, both deciding on simple gold bands before having our first kiss as man and wife. After pulling away from the kiss I remember smiling up at my Husband, yes Husband, I could finally say that, before Edward and Esme came to congratulate us. Our reception, if you could call it that was quaint, us sharing our first dance on the patio outside the house, the piano providing the music. I forgot about the rest of the family around us and focused solely on my Darling Emmett, knowing I’d found my forever.

The First Christmas

As I sit and write these words the memory of that Christmas comes back as if it happened just last week. It was Rose and I ‘s first Christmas together as a married couple, not long since my change. I was still new to the vampire ways and slipped up and made mistakes. It was two weeks before our Christmas when I slipped up and made one of these mistakes and caused the whole family to have to move. I felt terrible that they once again were having to redo their lives because of me. I especially felt bad for Rose, I knew she had become fond of the place we were living and having to move had upset her.

That Christmas Eve I was feeling down so I decided to have a talk with Carlisle about everything. Being the loving father he is, he offered me words of advice and reassured me that people make mistakes. He offered a hug and promised that him and Esme would love me no matter how many times I screwed up which resulted in a laugh from me. The protective side of Rose came out in me and I blurted out that maybe it would be better for Rose though if I left. That maybe her life would be easier if I was not around causing trouble for them an her. I spoke the words at the wrong time because Esme was walking in as I let the last word loose and she went all mother hen on me. She blocked the door and told me that it wouldn’t make anyone’s lives easier if I left especially not Rose’s. That she knew how Rose felt for me and no matter what would always be there by my side. Her words struck my hard as stone heart and I knew it was the truth. I apologized once again for the move and they both said no apologies were needed.

Christmas morning came and my angel was dressed in a Mrs. Clause outfit being all cheerful with me. We had exchanged gifts when I looked up and felt the urge to apologize to her for everything. I nearly had a few words out when she pressed her finger to my lips and said shush. “Emmett Dale McCarty you have nothing to apologize for. You are my husband and are always forgiven.” I knew then that our love could survive any hardship. At that time Rose was still letting me into her world and those few words were the best Christmas gift ever. The rest of the day we spent together and with the family. We actually listened to Christmas music and sat around listening to Edward play Oh Holy night on the piano. My first Christmas with my new family and it was the best. I cannot wait for this Christmas when we marry again.

My past

Finding out I was married and had a child before my change was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. The emotions crippled me. Don’t get me wrong I have the most amazing wife ever, Rose is my angel but to think I had a child before just blows me away. Its not that I regret Rose finding me and helping I just feel like a part of me is gone. The part of me that my son would have filled. I guess I could find comfort in knowing that I did have a child and loved him for the short week we had together and that he lived an amazing life.

In the midst of finding out about Levi and Ann-Marie I searched my brain trying to remember why I left them that day and was in the woods. Memories flashed before me of that day and the week before. Levi was only a week old, a newborn. He shared my curly blonde hair and had chubby cheeks. Had his mothers eyes and smile. I was exhausted and needed fresh air so I decided to go hunting and quick hike which landed me in the woods on that eventful day. Deep down inside me I want to feel angry at myself for leaving them that day and for not remembering them but I just cant be. My lifeless heart tells me that my destiny was not with them but was always meant for Rose.

I did some quick research the other day to find out more about my past. I found out that Ann-Marie and I had grown up together and was childhood friends. Her father and mine were close friends. We had waited till we were both 20 before getting married. Our love was supposedly what fairy tales were made of but honestly it was more of an we are comfortable together and just makes sense love not like what we and Rose have. We were married nearly a month before she became pregnant with Levi. I was an avid hunter and lovers of sports, something I have obviously held on to.

Stumbling upon something surprising though I discovered that I was religious person. I went to church when ever there was a function and lived my life by the ways of god. Born into a southern Baptist family it was all I ever knew. Actually I don’t even see why it surprises me that much. Even In the state that I am in now I have always still had a piece of me that believed in god. Believed that even we can be forgiven. Knowing this I would feel so much closer to who I am if me and Rose were to marry in a church this time around. That we commit eternity to each other in front of god cause only god knows how much I truly love Rose.

Goodbye

An Ocean Of Emotions

Ever had one of those week’s where everything is hectic and you feel every range of emotion possible. Well that’s this week for me..

The emotions that ran through me as I read the newspaper article were intense. I started having flashbacks of a girl-strawberry blonde, freckles, you could definitely say she was pretty. I knew she had to be the girl mentioned in the paper Ann-marie. I don’t remember anything from my human life so those flash’s scared me. Why now and who is she. I know reading the name triggered these memories so she must be someone important. My mind has not stopped going over who she could be since I read it. My actions have hurt Rose and it pains me to see her upset but I cant help it. My whole being is drawn to finding out who they are. I have never been so close to maybe finding out a piece of who I am.

Then Alice and Jasper leaving us hurt. Losing family always feels like a piece of you is being taken. Not only was I hurt that they left but so angry at them for doing this to the family. When I found out the truth as to why they left I was slightly relieved. Mixed feelings about fighting with the Volturi took over me. Either it was fight for them or lose our freedom and so I had to do what had to be done. The thought of never seeing Rose again or my family not surviving struck me hard. I pushed forward and fought for them. Never have I been happier to have won something. The relief of living another day with my angel and seeing my family took over and made me so happy

Tco Halloween Bash

The Hardest Part:Part 2

From the first few moments of Rose and I interacting I had this minuet feeling in the back of my mind that something was off about her. That something she had been through had left an effect on her. Often I would watch her mannerisms around Edward and Carlisle, she would act almost scared like but I never knew why until a regretful move on my part brought her demons to light.

My throat was going through that familiar burn and I knew I needed to hunt, so I asked Rosalie to accompany me. She lead the way, as seeing I was practically a newborn and still needed help navigating my way to the best hunting spots. During the midst of my hunt I noticed Rose sitting on a rock watching me but I ignored attacking a bear and some how covering my self in blood. To tell the truth I was a total mess but yet Rose set upon the rock spotless as if she has just took a shower.

I turned to her when I noticed a faint laugh and then as it rose. She was laughing at me but I had no idea why. I probably had to ask her at least ten times why she was laughing before she teasingly gave in and told me it was because of how I looked. I myself thought how funny it was and burst out in a smirk a mile wide. Feeling flirtatious I started walking forward to Rose, joking with her that I wouldn’t let her stay clean for much longer. Being the air headed person I am I never noticed how uneasy she looked. I just kept walking forward closer and closer to her before jokingly jumping on her and pinning her down. I expected to look down and see her beautiful smile laughing but she was a stone. All expression on her face was gone, she didn’t move an inch. I started calling her name but she just laid there, it had me worried so I finally moved off of her. The moment she snapped out of her hysteria she ran back home.

The whole run back home I tried to process what I did or what had happened. Why had she froze on me. I knew something horrible had happened to her then, something so horrible I may never be able to understand it. When I returned home the family was in the living room minus Rose and I went into the dramatic story of what happened. As I explained that I was playing and pinned her down everyone went silent. The silence was eerie and explained so much more than words could have. My brain kept screaming that I needed to know, so I asked “what happened to her?” The room was silent for another moment before Edward answered that it really was not for him or anyway one else to tell but Rose. Anger flooded over me because he would not tell me but then understanding so I decided to find Rose and see if she would give me even a flicker of maybe to what had happened to her.

As my footsteps hit the stairs I ran through various ideas in my head as to how I would get her to open up to me. I heard Rose In the bedroom and entered to sit next to her. Before I managed to even say one word she started spilling tome what had happened. As I glanced over to her she stared at the ground, never once turning to face me and I knew what I was going to hear was hard for her to admit. As the details of her horrible experience were unfolded to me I became internally angry. I wanted to kill the ones who had hurt her and then I just felt sad. I wanted to help this angel who had been hurt and scarred forever. As she finished her story I kneeled in front of her placing my hand on her thigh. Rose finally faced me and the look on her face was one I will never forget. It raised the angry feeling slightly and I wanted to know where the men were but she told me they were dead. Part of me was grateful for that but part of me was jealous as I didn’t get to kill them with my own hands. Silence fell again and I understood she no longer wanted to talk about it. It has taken a long time ,but slowly over the years Rose has opened up to me even more. She is my angel and there is nothing I would not do for her. Her love and understanding completes me and that’s all I want to do for her as well.

Part 1 The Face Of Death

I do not remember any of the days before the one that would change my being but I remember that day like it was yesterday. It was the spring 0f 1935 and the forest was rabid with wildlife. I search my brain for the reason as to why I was there but it never comes. I do remember the sound of the birds chirping, the cool air comforting my face. Freedom of being alone and free to do as I please. It had recently rained and everything was green and the air was covered with the stench of dirt and water.

I remember the feeling of thinking something was behind me but I ignored it. As I continued on the trail I felt like nothing could bring me down and then I felt it. It was unbearable and horrible. My body was picked up and thrown to the ground and picked up again, furiously being thrown around. I tried hard to concentrate on what was causing the pain and throwing me around and saw it was a bear. My instincts kicked in and I tried to fight back but it was no use. He ripped through my body and clawed my face. I remember praying that he would stop or just finish me off. The pain was like a million knives stabbing me in every direction. The bear threw me down and I couldn’t move so I tried to squint to see my body. The only thing I could see was the mess of blood surrounding me and on me. I noticed the bear back up and thought to myself that it didn’t matter. I knew I was going to die. My body was lifeless, I couldn’t move and was on the verge of passing out.

As I laid on the blood drenched dirt I heard another muffled noise. My frantic mind reached the conclusion that another bear had come to finish off my carcass and that’s when I heard the commotion. The bears were fighting over who would get to finish me off. Secretly I wished that one would win already so it could finish me off, anything was better than the horrendous pain I was going though. I closed my eyes and a second latter I felt like I was flying. My body was moving but I knew it wasn’t because of me. I was dead or at least thought I was. My eyes were heavy and did not want to open but I fought to see. What I saw was the most beautiful angel that could ever live. She was taking me to god and I didn’t feel so bad anymore as long as I was in her arms.

The angel carried me to god and that’s when the burning began. Every inch of my body burned and I knew it was to good to be true, I was in hell. The burning was intense and more painful than the bear attacking me. I was able to open my eyes once during the burning and managed to catch a glimpse of my angel. My mind started screaming, why was the angel here? What had happened that had caused her to be by my side in hell. I started to hear murmurs and realized it was gods voice. He kept coming in and out checking on the beautiful angel. I remember screaming in my head at him. I was terrified that he was going to send the angel away from me. That I would have to suffer through the unbearable burning of hell without her.

When the burning subsided and I was able to speak I was at a lost of words to what had happened. The angel and god explained everything to me. When they explained that I was no longer human it didn’t even register in my head. I wasn’t angry or the least bit upset, part of me was excited. They were shocked at how well I took the news but the same thing kept pounding in my head so I explained to them why I wasn’t upset. I felt like if they were both vamps then it couldn’t be so bad. I think back now to those days and always find myself amazed. I had my troubles at first, with the rules but everything worked out. Some believe this life we live is hell, to that all I have to say is “hells not so bad when you get to keep an Angel with You.”

A childs voice

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father-Lydia Marie Child

I cannot count on one hand or two how many times I wish I was one of those blessed men. How I wish I could hear a little boy or sweet gentle girl call me her father. I have spent many a night imagining a sweet little girl with Rose’s cute nose and curls, my cheeks and humor. Imagining her curling up in my lap beside Rose and falling asleep, our daughter.

I drift off to a distant memory I hold of pain and anguish. It was a cheerful day and we had decided to finish some Christmas shopping that needed to be done. The stores in Port Angeles were busy with last minute shoppers and their children. Everywhere we looked little boys and girls were dressed in their Christmas apparel anticipating the arrival of Santa. Rose hurryingly finished paying for our stuff and we headed home. I watched as she went upstairs and I unloaded the gifts, some how managing to carry them all upstairs at once. Approaching the door I heard tearless sobs drifting out and I knew it was Rose. We had already had the conversation about not being able to have kids and I knew it was tearing her up. I had some how managed to hold back the feelings and anger I felt about not being able to have them but I knew it was hard for her. I set the gifts down and entered the room to consol her the best I could. She cried a few more tearless sobs and admitted the children at the store had gotten to her and I admitted it also had gotten to me as well. We both shared in the same pain and anguish of not having our own angelic face to call ours.

Then Ness was born. I know some thought it was unhealthy the way Rose treated Bella when she found out she was pregnant but they just don’t understand. It was a glimpse of hope, a flicker of something that could possibly be. The day Bells called Rose I knew that no matter what it took she would protect Ness. She knew nothing about the child but would have given anything. The closest thing to a child Rose and I would ever have. I believe that’s why we are so protective of her. There is nothing we wouldn’t do for Ness, not only do we love her as our Niece but we also love her like she is a child of ours.

Of all the things I wish I could do that one reigns the most in my head. I would give anything to hear a child call me dad or to look up at Rose’s beautiful face and call her mom, but I guess we have to make do with what life gives us.

A moment of realization

Hanging my head low waiting on the bikers to get Rachel I was livid. Livid at the fact that people we had trusted were taking advantage of our friends. As I helped Edward hold Paul back I knew the pain he was feeling. I knew that no matter what happened from there on out Paul would feel responsible for whatever happened. Seeing the love he had for her hit a spot in me. I knew the love- it was the same I feel for Rose and I knew that I had been wrong..

Wrong because it was also the love Nessie and Jake share for each other. Not only a week or two earlier I had been giving Jake hell for being with Ness but I realized he couldn’t help it. It couldn’t help feel the way he did for Ness anymore than I could the way I feel for Rose. I knew at that moment I had to help bring Jake home. Ness would be incomplete without him. I had to risk my being for him because of her. In this whole moment I had come to the conclusion that my family means everything to me. Its unsaid for people like us to form the relationships that we have but I couldn’t imagine it being any different.

With that in mind I was set to save the wolves. Nothing would stop me not even a 1,000 year old vamp. I had to bring them home safe and sound. Not only because they were friends but also family. As close to family as they could be.

The past

"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw true beauty till this night."-William Shakespeare

Many times I have sat and thought about my life as a human. Racking through my brain for any memory, any moment to connect me to my past but nothing comes clear. Like Alice I do not remember anything from my human life. I count it as a blessing because maybe my human life wasn’t so perfect but what if it was? What if I had it all, everything anyone could ever ask for.That’s why the William Shakespeare quote hits so true to me. Before Rose was there ever another love for me? Did I ever acknowledge another woman as my other half? Rose is my everything but its only natural to wonder. To me now I could never imagine any one else. Rose is my angel, my buttercup the sole reason I am the way I am.During my younger days after being changed sometimes I would make up my past. I would imagine in my head exciting scenarios. My father was a banker like Rose’s or my mother was sweetheart of the town. My favorite past I imagined over and over was simple- In my past I was popular, had many friends. Worked in a hardware store with my father and spent my time with various women. As time has moved forward though I no longer imagine my human life. Wither it be the fact that I am happy with Rose or just really would love to know actual events from it.One thing that lingers though is that I would like to know. I would love to remember anything. Just one morsel of something ,just one tiny fragment to who I was.

Fear

My greatest fear happens to be fear itself…

I am a lot stronger than others . I never fear someone attacking me or losing at a fight. The love I share with Rose is an unbreakable bond. I exists because of her. I believe that if anything was to happen to her that I would not long follow, so I do not even fear losing her and living without her. Sometimes I almost fear losing my family. I know that I could never do wrong in there eyes to lose them, our families love that we share for each other helps us to forgive. The fear of losing them to death or something else doesn’t even scare me. Before something happened to someone in my family there would be a fight. Fighting-something I’m very much not scared of.The thought of actually fearing something though makes my insides cringe. To be vulnerable enough to be scared of something and to not want to confront it. I pride myself on being strong and independent. What if one day something happens and I actually become to scared to fight and couldn’t take care of Rose or someone in my family. The fact that one day I could come to fear anything scares the hell out of me. I hope